Humor

You read it here first! Snapshot—the talking robot who has all the photo and camera answers—will be unveiled to professional photographers during the Wedding & Portrait Photographer International (WPPI) conference which opens February 24 at Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas.

Yes, you read it here first, and we can guarantee that you won’t read it anywhere else. Described by its designer as a hybrid combination of an old-time advice columnist and an indifferent big box store employee, Snapshot will be on hand to answer even the most mundane questions any professional or ardent amateur could possibly ask.

We were given an exclusive behind-the-scenes sneak preview of Snapshot in action. A panel of photographers, students and former Fotomat Elves was assembled and served copious adult beverages. During the melee that followed, each was required to submit a photo-related question before being released from custody. What follows is a lightly redacted sample of those questions—and Snapshot the Robot Photo Expert’s answers.

Question from a film photographer who only shoots raw (and has numerous complaints from neighbors who wish he’d wear clothes): “Mr. Snapshot, when I go to a camera store to look at gadget bags and backpacks, I can never tell whether or not my camera equipment will fit. Short of lugging everything down to the shop, how can I tell if I’m buying the right size bag?”

Snapshot’s reply: “Dear Raw, use your head. I’d say your noggin is about the size of a Canon 1D X with a huge lens attached. If the bag fits over your head, buy it.”

Question from amateur who inherited an APS camera from someone who actually knew what that abbreviation stood for: “Snapshot, my man, I can take sideways pictures like a champ. Couches, railroad tracks, trees that have been chopped down—anything that extends from left to right or from right to left, my shots are great. But recently I’ve noticed that some of my neighbors can take pictures of things that are tall and upright—like telephone poles, basketball players and even people. What do I need in order to take vertical photos?”

Snapshot’s reply: “Dear Vertically Impaired, like many problems that photographers encounter, this one can easily be remedied by throwing some money at an accessory. You need a Perpendicular Filter which can purchased in either round or square form factor to match your personality. Expect to spend around $99 and don’t skimp—remember that ‘penny wise is penny foolish,’ or something like that. Attach the Perpendicular Filter to your camera lens and follow package instructions.”

The third question came from a young lady who’s been having trouble developing a following on social media sites. “Snapshot, help me, please! No one wants to friend me, no one wants to follow me and no one even looks at my photo. Here’s a picture of me for your reference.”

Snapshot’s immediate answer: “Dear Selfie Fail, the solution is simple. You’re facing in the wrong direction. The back of your head is your finest feature.”

The final question came from a young man who was seeking a source for, well, something many young men search for. “Snapshot, can you confidentially tell me where I can safely download pictures of women wearing lozenges?”

Snapshot shot back: “Dear Nearly Blind Already, the word is ‘lingerie’ and none of those websites are safe. Long live the printed magazine!”

—Jon Sienkiewicz