Humor

Whether you call Flying Saucers by their traditional name or use the Pentagon’s new nomenclature (Unidentified Aerial Phenomena), capturing a UFO/UAP video or digital image is easier than it sounds. So grab your camera and tinfoil hat and join the fun.

According to mainstream news (including WSJ and NYT), our tax dollars are now funding the Unidentified Aerial Phenomena Task Force, an elite group of Department of Defense scientists and sleuths who are committed to investigating and furthering our knowledge of flying things we cannot identify.

This project specifically excludes zhavvorsa, baseballs hit by Shohei Ohtani and the solid globs of smog that float over Los Angeles.

The new ET commando unit is organized under the Office of Naval Intelligence, which provides us sky watchers with a huge clue if we read between the lines—or beneath the surface, as it were. As per public data, many recent sightings have been by Navy Pilots and have occurred over the ocean. This partly explains the Navy’s keen interest. But it’s also been revealed that these advanced flying machines have been observed submerging into the ocean. In fact, some speculate that UFOs may originate from the ocean, or at least have some sort of base there. Consequently, using a splash-proof camera is a must.

It’s tragic, I think, that we relegate responsibility for monitoring (and perhaps encountering) extraterrestrial life to our military personnel, who by definition as well as by nature perceive all strangers as potential enemy combatants instead of colleagues, and suspect them to be hostile instead of hospitable. Maybe it’s because we’re scared they are just like us.

Were it up to me, I’d assign the celestial Welcome Wagon tasks to the producers of Sesame Street or maybe outsource everything to Tom Hanks. If aliens want to annihilate us, our piddly Earth weapons won’t do much to stop them anyway.

Supplies and Equipment
Here are our tips for capturing alien spacecraft, starting with this list of the things you need.

• Splash-resistant Camera
• Bait (Fish Sticks or Kosher Dill Pickles)
• Aluminum Foil (Quilted, 75-feet)
• Unobtainium Filter
• Bottle Opener
• Fake Moustache
• Old Spice Aftershave Lotion
• Peak Design Everyday Sling (Any Size)

Footnotes: The camera bag must be a Peak Design because that brand is popular everywhere in the universe.  You can substitute Jade East (or anything cheap and stinky) for Old Spice cologne. Unobtainium Filters can be ordered from Amazon. Always follow package directions.

Pick a Dark Night
Preferably somewhere in the Ozarks, Argentina or the Ural Mountains, far away from civilization and witnesses, and as dark as sin itself. For safety take a flashlight and use the Buddy System if you have any gullible friends or any friends at all.  

Use a Fast Lens
Intergalactic rockets must travel at the speed of light to reach our planet efficiently. So make sure you use a lens that’s fast enough to catch the motion.

Critical Settings: AE-L, AF-C, AV, ISO & EV-C
If your camera has an ET setting, you can ignore most of these. Just set the dial to ET and blaze away. It’s been suggested that other-worldly visitors have no eyelids, so make sure the flash is set to remove red-eye, just as a courtesy.

White Balance
Aliens notably have gray skin, so use an 18% gray source—like a common gray card—to set White Balance. Lacking that, meter directly off the alien’s forehead.

Fake it ‘Till You Make it
A Wham-O Super Flyer Frisbee spray painted silver and photographed in black & white under a UV lamp looks pretty darn authentic. While you’re standing in a cornfield waiting for a saucer to saunter by, practice shooting the surrogate spacecraft as it spins against various backgrounds. Note that this advice comes directly from US Government document F69-701, “How to fake a moon landing and other ways to mislead the public.”

What to do if a UFO Lands
Say, “Klaatu barada nikto.” That’s what Klaatu himself (in the guise of actor Michael Rennie) told his costar to say to robot Gort if anything bad happened. Translated into English it means, “We cool – just be chill.” If you don’t know this 1951 movie, you may be doomed to err. In that case you might try a few lines of Dothraki from Game of Thrones, maybe “Hash yer dothrae chek asshekh?”

If a space alien surrenders him or her or itself to you, take a selfie immediately. It may be hungry after spending a few light-years in a tiny rocket ship, so keep dogs, cats and small children out-of-sight (you never know).

According to this guy down at the truck stop—whose brother-in-law’s cousin actually captured an alien at some place called Ballground, Georgia—aliens have a strong, peculiar odor. Carry a bottle of cheap men’s cologne with you and don’t hesitate to use it if necessary. If aliens stink to us, imagine what we much smell like to them.

Evade Abduction at All Costs!
Some very concerning accusations have been made about alleged ET misbehavior. While we doubt the veracity of these claims, be prepared to resist probing interrogations.

If you are captured, talk incessantly about an imaginary direct sales opportunity, and offer them the chance to get in on the ground floor. Unless I miss my guess, they’ll release you unharmed and never bother you again.

Report All Alien Encounters to the Proper Authorities
The Proper Authorities in this case are Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and TikTok. You can upload video to your YouTube channel, of course, but take time to edit the footage first and thoroughly color correct. After all, you don’t want to spread any rumors that our cosmic visitors are actually little green men.

—Jon Sienkiewicz

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